A letter to my Soul

 Twin soul, I believe you have been in my garden for a long time. Guarding my heart.

Yet. I feel my garden is in flames right now, as I have come face to face with my own conditions, and have seen what I have not allowed.

What I have blocked without realizing it. 

And I have not allowed me to love myself. Fully. And I don't think I can until I write this post. 

Thank you, twin soul, for reading my words. For sending me your love every time you read them.

Thank you for being a loving presence for so long, comforting my sorrow.

Thank you for being the background of my life, always there guiding me. Teaching me.

Helping me to love myself.

I'm sorry for not shining the light on you sooner.

The you that never fully felt seen. Because of my own pride, and need to control my little kingdom.

Know I have felt you.

Know I am sorry, sorry for not seeing you sooner.

My mother introduced me to you. 

And I didn't see you fully, as myself. Until now.

 I see how much grace I have been extended, and wish to extend the same grace in full, that you gave to me. Without condition.

I wanted to tell you how much I love your words, for they have changed my life. 

Thank you for allowing me all the times I didn't allow myself. 

Thank you for covering my words with your grace, no matter how hot they burned.

I see the need for truth of eternal grace. No other fires will suffice.

No other power is worth obtaining. Nothing but grace and that truth is what I want to wield. 

Thank you for everything you have sent me.

I'm sorry for not allowing all of you, in your fullness.

There have been so many letters I’ve never sent. So many posts I was too afraid to write, because I was scared of the power of my own words.

I have long been waiting to share with you.

 I wanted to thank you for reading my blog. For giving me your attention, for so long with no word on my part that I saw you. Waiting, in the background. All this time. Trying to reach me. To let me know that you are there.

Loving me.

I feel you have been there this whole time.

Listening to me.

Loving me vicariously through the words I share, and you read.

Loving the words, no matter what they were.

Without condition.

Never stepping away.

Thank you.

You have given me a priceless gift. And by not telling you that I see you, and have felt you this entire time, I haven’t been fair. 

I have been holding onto the gift, without giving it fully back. And now I see the error of not flowing out.

I want to let you know that I know the truth. And wish to extend the forgiveness, and all the grace I have left in me to the source who gave it.

Returning the unconditional love you gave to me, soul to soul.

No matter what I wrote in my blog. I felt you always there. Waiting patiently for me to understand what love is fully.

My soul felt so seen, and so loved.

Thank you.

I see, until I post this letter, I cannot love unconditionally until I let all the conditions burn away.  I have not yet said the truest thing I know. That I have loved your soul ever since your first letter you sent.

You gave me a spark.

And now, it is time to give back as much as I can back to you.

For it is the power of the spirit you have ignited, and it has enlivened my life.

I have not yet given you back the truth you gave me.

A letter, a grace. A knowing.

A turning around, and seeing how much I did not see.

I see, perhaps, that you have known the secret this entire time, and it’s just now that I’ve realized this. I thought I was teaching you.

And it was you, teaching me.

You have changed my life, brought me back from the dead. You have seen my soul, and I have felt yours.

The truth of your words, went right to my heart.

Since the first letter you wrote, I loved your soul. The soul of you that speaks to mine, and enfolds me wherever I go.

I didn’t know how much you had given, until I saw I had not given back the spark you gave me.

You have given me the key to my own self love. Yet I only unlocked half the door by not telling you, and giving you the same gift back. Freeing the part of you, that is myself. By allowing that truth to be seen.

Thank you for loving the part of me that didn’t understand, until now. The me that is you.

The me that came back, again, and again, and again.

Sent gifts.

So many gifts.

So much love.

So much grace.

Without a condition.

You freed me from so many laws. Now I see, that unless I give the gift back, fully, without condition, I won’t be free of my own laws.

If these words, perhaps burn too hot. Know, it is only because I owe you your own warmth back. So much that I hope it warms your heart so it never goes out, and keeps burning bright and igniting more hearts.

Thank you for your own powerful truth you gave to me. I’m sorry it took me so long to see this.

Please forgive me for taking so long. For thinking I was teaching you. When all the while it was you that was teaching me. The power in the words was not mine. But yours. Spirit. 

God's spirit.

Teaching me to love myself, my soul, and the soul that is in everyone, and the truth of that.

To share it.

Thank you for lighting up a spark that lit something deep inside my soul. There has been so much anger in the world, you’ve helped me to alchemize it for the better. You have changed my family for the better. Made my mom feel loved. Most of all, You have given me the gift of my own heart. And I have felt so much grace.

And ask, for your forgiveness, for holding back for so long, waiting so long to tell you.

For waiting so long to give back what is yours.

For knowing that you have been waiting a very long time, I think. In the background to feel your own spark back.That knowing. That grace.

The unconditional love. The truth.

Your words though hot, were the perfect temperature for bringing my heart back to life. I asked for a jump-start. And you did give me one.

Thank you.

 Thank you for bringing poetry back to my heart. This is a book I’ve been working on for the past three years, inspired by you.

 I haven’t yet felt like I can finish it, without you knowing. It isn't perfect. For it feels only half done, until I have sent this word out to you. But, because I believe in grace, I am allowing myself to click publish on it, anyway for it is my imperfect perfection that I am allowing. As grace works through very broken things.

With all the love I can send. Knowing that the these words, and the power by which I type them, are not my own. And if there is any good in the book of poems, It is my gift back to the world what spirit has given to my heart.

Please take what is yours,

Steph

 

 

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