Friday, January 28, 2011
I had a huge article written, but I decided that I would just forget it. Feeling blue, sad, and lonely. Sometimes you don't realise how much someone means to you until they are gone. Heartache doesn't go away easily. Nuff said.
Anywho... I've been reading a book, called, "Life without Limits," by Nick Vujicic, a guy who was born without arms or legs. It's a pretty amazing story. He has some pretty neat thoughts that are very comforting, especially when you know this guy has gone through some pretty tough stuff---so he really means what he says. I decided I'd just post this instead of my long ramblings. Besides, this video is what I wanted to say anyway.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I tend to psychoanalyze myself a lot these days. Not sure if anyone else out there does that. Perhaps I'm alone on this.
Amid ruminating over my own inner thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I as in---I myself, haven't owned myself enough. Weird I know. Sounds selfish, yes. But it is true. A lot of my life has been predominated by male figures who need me to constantly do things for them, to fulfill their grand expectations, men who want to own me, my talents, or control me, what I do with my life. Just so you know, I'm not trying to sound bitter. I'm not. I'm just analyzing myself so I can better understand why I feel the way I do. Yes, I know. A blog is a weird place to analyze oneself.
Very exposing. Gosh. Guess you don't know who now feels sheepish. Baaa.
So after listening to Stephen Covey, (7 habits of Highly effective people) I've concluded that people need a sense of ownership before they can freely give something away. This may sound silly, but it's true. Go watch kids. If they open a gift on their birthday, and you (the kind parent) try to make them instantly share their gift, candy, gum, toy, or whatever, and rip it out of their hand before they are ready, it will cause your child to withdraw, and resent you.
However, if the child is given freedom to own the gift, to play with it, see how it works, to discover it on their own, then they are more apt to share, besides more often than not, they want to share because it is their right. If you make them share something before they are ready, you've taken away their freedom to give. And once you've taken away that freedom, it's made something that could have been beautiful, into something ugly.
Same goes with relationships. If you don't feel like you have owned yourself enough, you won't be able to give of yourself freely. It will be forced. Not sure if I'm making any sense. If not, you can quit reading and go do something more interesting, like eat a brownie.
I have been nibbling on homemade, scrumptious, German Chocolate cake. Yum. You know I'm tying to make you jealous.
Back to subject.
I was reading my scriptures and I turned to Ecclesiastes 3, where it talks about times and seasons, and it struck a chord, because I tend to beat myself up because I don't feel like I fit the mold, and timetable of of everybody else. Everybody seems to be so on top of their lives, and know what their doing tomorrow, the next day, the next, and their entire lives. At least, that's what it seams like. Me on the other hand, am a "rebel" of sorts. I don't fit into the dot-to dot life so may people have. I want to make my own picture, even if it looks not so geometric.
I'm not always sure what I'm going to do. I only know that whatever I'm going to do, it has to be aligned with my beliefs and deepest desires, dreams and goals. And that's how I live. I guess, in a way, I'm glad I don't always know what's coming next. I mean, honestly, would you really want to know? That would take away the adventure of living.
In the words of one of my Sheroes, Hellen Keller, "Security doesn't exist in nature, life is a daring adventure, or nothing."
I sometimes tend to compare myself to others, who fit perfectly into molds formed for them when they were just in the cradle. Yet when I try to fit myself into their mold, I end up very uncomfortable, and squished. Amid this swishyness, I learn the hard lesson that you can't fit into other peoples preconceived molds. You just won't fit. So don't even try to be someone your not. Be your best self, and splash colors across the coloring book lines of life, and be glad that your picture is different, and as unique as yourself. God has given us the grand canvas of life, and it is up to us to fill this canvas with beautiful colors, pictures, landscapes, and people. And paint nice. Give advice to other painters if they ask for help. But don't go splashing your paintbrush across other peoples canvases, just because you think you know how it's suppose to look. It's very rude.
And in the words of another one of my Sheroes, Mother Teresa, "I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."
So don't get upset if your pencil doesn't look like everybody elsees. We are all ultimately trying for the same thing. We all want to love, be loved, and to radiate Gods love to everyone we meet. We want the love letter we write, to be aligned with the first love letter that God sent us, when Christ came on earth. But we need to be okay with the fact that our letters are not going to be perfect. They will probably have lots of errors, some misspelled words, misplaced modifiers, improper grammar, wrong verbage, and a host of other problems. But if our intentions are where they should be, all those mistakes won't matter. What matters is that we try.
It also helps to remember that everybody is on a different timetable. Every individual is at a different season in their life, so you cannot compare yourself to others, wanting what they have. Honestly, if you got what they have, would it make you happy? No. Because everything comes to us in God's own timing which is much better than anything we could ever plan. Sometimes we think we know what's best for us, we even kid our selves trying to believe a lie, just so we can look good so we can be in the same season as another person. But here's stark reality. You can't force the seasons of life, just as you cannot force the sun to rise or set. The seasons flow, from one day to the next. Their passing is gradual. That's the way I want my life to be like. I want my life to flow like music notes on a carefully formed piece of music, as I follow the master conductor, who directs all who look to him. I know the times I tried to play music on my own, it always ended in discord. I want my values, goals, dreams, desires, and ideals to be in harmony with the essence of who I am, and what God wants me to be, and in some small way, though my instrument is different, and the sound is unique, I'll be happy knowing that whatever part I had, dull, exciting, high, low, solo, trio, duet, I will have contributed, in my own small way to conductors carefully orchestrated music---and as a whole the sound will be beautiful.
Thinks I'll go get ready for a music program I have to do tomorrow.
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
14I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.