Mary Christ mas

I've struggled what to write, this year. How to allow myself. Better. Wanting to be real, sometimes very sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes, wondering how to do life. Wanting to write really gritty bits. Sometimes finding the good things easy to write about. 

Sometimes not so much. 

Yet, I feel as God has given me so much grace.

 I realize, that under all of what happens in life, and covering it, is God's seeing. Grace.

And when you start looking, you see it.  So I try my best to write it. And hope that what comes out, is covered by grace. 

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 I feel a little bit more alive today. 

A lot more alive. 

Yesterday not so much. 

This year, Delta was more Feminine, soft, and soul-like. 

And Fillmore's was more Masculine.

Both were loads better than last years. In many ways. 

But I was tired afterward.

 Saturday Night into Sunday, I had such a painful headache, it was hard. I felt tired to begin with.

Sunday was such a full day, so many people, so many...people wanting to be looked at. Monday, I felt so drained. More tired, ghostly tired, than I remember ever being in a long time. 

 I feel not so tired today. Much more alive.

As it is Christmas eve, I don't want to be lengthy in my post. But I do want to say, that there are some beautiful things that happened on Sunday.

 Sunday morning, more people came than last Sunday's church chior practice, and there was a lot of people out in the audience. One man wore a red bow, tie. A christmas wrapper bow. That made me smile.

What it felt like, Sunday, was a complete cycle, some sort of seeing, harvest, from last Christmas. The Choir director, Christine, was the one who gave me a book, her husband wrote. And just the title, meant a lot. Leading with the heart. 

Last year, we met each other for the first time, last Christmas season. And I really love her, and her family. She has been a beautiful soul and I am glad to know her, and her family. Her Husband gave a talk about the Second coming of Christ.

Also, our neighbor who I gave Christmas treats to last year, on Christmas eve, who gave us a drink of orange juice with bee pollen, was sitting behind us, and I asked him about bee pollen, and the person sitting next to me, was super interested, and it felt like our neighbor, who is a little rough around the edges, with a big long beard, and craves to be seen, I could feel him feeling seen, as the person next to me, asked him questions, and he was able to answer them and feel important.

Then my uncle, who sang in last weeks Messiah, was there, and beamed us such kind eyes, and I felt him really seeing me and my sister, in a way I don't think I've felt before. Just soft, and kind. Which I appreciate.

For the program, they had husband and wife couples come up, and talked together. And I thought it was a beautiful idea. How they each  got to say a word, between the choir and audience singing. 

Then they had the kids come and sing, and that was cute.

Overall, the choir wasn't super loud, or fancy. But I felt like we were all seeing each other better. Everyone.

Bessie played her violin with the piano, and the Organ. They all did beautifully. And Bess said she felt the third thing, and felt like her and the piano player really were seeing each other in away that they hadn't before.

It was beautiful feeling the energy shift. 

Bess and I both felt like we were were all accepting each other in a way we hadn't before. That we were really, all just friends.  

The neighbor that gives us music tickets, Jay, and and also his wife, Cindy, dropped in after Church, and stayed for quite a while. They gave us a gift. And he wanted us to show his wife the singing bowls, we had showed him on a previous visit.

And they both just sat on the floor with us, around the singing bowls, talking. And I felt, like this too was a completion of sorts.

My favorite parts about Fillmore's performance. When we arrived, Doug, and his son Ian, were both just finishing up setting things up. Ian was at the piano, and Bess asked him to play, John Schmidt's song, Called waterfall. 

He was nervous, but did. And it was beautiful. And I felt like he felt seen.

His dad, Doug, came and sat by me, and Bess, and listened too. Then Doug asked him to play Rudolf the red, nosed reindeer, fancy, jazzy version. And we all sang, and that was really fun. 

Then Doug's piano player arrived, and she played for him while he practiced his solo, "Every Valley..." I think that's the name. He did a good job, and I also felt like he felt seen. I could feel his heart, feeling loved, loving himself. 

And that was beautiful.

Bess and I had just brought our clothes, so we went out into the car to get a snack, and get our clothes to change into them, when we ran into another Doug. The Doug we had met last year, and who's heart was so warm, and kind. He was so happy that we were happy to see him, and that we remembered him.

Then the other Doug, came and they both looked at us, and we looked at them, and laughed. Two Dougs. 

All and all, to make a long story short. I didn't get to sit by my sister because a soloist needed to sit where I sat to be close to the mic. And I really missed singing by her.

My favorite part about the whole thing, is I could feel the director, feeling seen. He wore a fancy tuxedo. And in the middle of one of the songs, he had a magic Christmas bow tie, that lit up. It started glittering, in the darkness, multi rainbow colors. It made all the choir members more present for a moment, as his unexpected, glittering tie sparkled. 

I also loved that he also emulated giving gifts to the piano players. He gave them huge bouquets of roses. He also invited his mom, and some members of his family to sing, that normally would have just sat in the audience. 

At the end, the audience gave a standing ovation, and I think they felt something.

Bess and I, and the cleaning lady, Martha, who locks doors, was behind us. We were the last to leave the building. And outside the steps, was a cat.

Skinny, and hungry for love too. And I sat, and took a moment, and patted it, and loved on it too.

And that was nice. 

Though I felt there was, to be honest, a lusty energy there, and I can't quite explain it. Only that it felt like there was many hungry souls there. So much so I felt intensely tired, and sorrowful afterwards. 

 Though, I am grateful, for the shining bow ties, and the small moments, before we performed. Singing together around the piano, and being able to feel the hearts of people there. One soloist in particular, I felt.

 I missed singing by Bess, it made me appreciate how beautiful her voice is, and how it makes me feel like I'm a better singer, when I'm closer to her, I feel I can sing out. Feel covered by her voice. 

And I suppose, that is the message of Christmas, that Christ covers us. And I feel when we learn to love, and know each other as ourselves, our love, God's love, that seeing covers others.

And waters the dry ground. That grace.

And revives us.

That heart space. 

It was much better than last year. 

Grace was there. And it has been with us the whole time. We just didn't know it. See it, or feel it. 

I am grateful for that.

I realize, mostly, at the heart of all the hunger of most souls, is the desire to return back to love. 

To feel seen, and accepted, and allowed.

The desire for freedom, real freedom. For grace.

How beautiful it is, to be able to feel.

 The heaven of feeling love, and feeling hearts, and souls, and knowing that love, is life saving, life changing.

That heaven is, being able to feel each other.

To love, to know your heart. 

Where the lowly things, we don't expect, bring us back to ourselves. Love, though unseen much of the time, is present. The music of it is always playing. Always waiting for us to allow it.

So this Christmas I say, Mary Christmas.

My sister's violin student wrote, Mary Christmas to my sister. And I thought, how beautiful that was. Not a spelling error. But wisdom.

Mary, and Christ. 

How long as it taken me to say, Mary Christ, Mass.

It is my prayer of gratitude of thanks, for all the harvest of beautiful un-likley friendships that happened this past year, birthed from Last years Christmas. 

Gratitude to be able to feel love, in even the driest places. 

Ameila was one of those friendships, that really started on Christmas eve. I am grateful for that.

And that is beautiful. 

I'm probably forgetting something things, to write down. But I wanted to say, as best as I can, my gratitude to the Christ. 

That the energy of love, is the most beautiful covering. Magical, and perfect. 

A story, God is telling. A love story. Using imperfect things and people, turning them into the most perfect thing.

I am grateful spirit as used my life as a canvas, and painted miracles onto that canvas. 

Love.

I am grateful to love. To the space, to the unseen beautiful things, and seen, that make life worth living. Heaven coming to earth.

Love.

To soft hearts, and forgiving ones.

It changes so much. The spirit of God.

I am grateful for. And pray it blesses the world, and is poured out into the thirsty land.

That it revives it. 

For the world is in dire need of the souls, and hearts remembrance of its peaceful, and beautiful space.

Its heaven, its origin. 

Its homeland.

Its Bethlehem.  

The humble places, where Christ resides.

Mary, Christ Mas