Hide and Seek

 

My thoughts are swirling tonight.

Are there any thoughts worth unraveling. Or perhaps, writing will calm the swirling of thoughts?

 To pull a thread of words, and knit. A hat, a rug, some doily.

 To knit.

With holes in between the yarn.

I’ve always wondered what was the point of it, as it seems knitted hats feel like wearing a hat of windows----all open. And chilly.

I once made a whole pile of rugs, knitting, old discarded cloth.

They ended up looking more like pink and blue sombreros, and used as dog beds---with the middle really tight, and the outside much more loose.

A sombrero.

Me writing something down. There’s a little loop.

What to say?

So many thoughts, and yet, when it comes to finding thread.

I feel for it.

Sometimes I find it.

Sometimes not.

Sometimes I wait.

Sometimes I just write.

I’m mostly wondering what I would tell myself, after this last week?

 

What would I say to me. About it? Other than all this weird commentary floating around in my head.

 

I write something. Then read it, and think it sounds edgy.

Delete.

Even the font is bugging me.

It seems too harsh.

Edgy.

We need more loops and soft swirls in life, more beautiful twists, and elegant souls, ---- cursive. I see why it is so beautiful. It goes up and down, like waves of the ocean, taking your boat easily where it wishes to go.

Cursive.

Though I have a hard time reading it, honestly.

And my writing in cursive isn’t very smooth.

Hence here, on my keyboard is my cursive. My waves.

 A tide, that rises and ebbs.

The moon reflected on the surface.

And I pause here with you, and watch the waves, the moonlight.

And my own rising and falling of the waves.

A distant cry of some seabird, calls out.

The wind combs through the waves as they wash onto the shore.

The ocean smells cool, and salty.

The wet sand beneath our feet.

An ocean of words, I sea before me.

To swim in them, or just look, and smooth out the waves by my own seeing?

What is reflected in them?

What does the ocean say?

What see, do I see?

My own heart.

Mist.

A boat.

Me.

Schools of thoughts, swimming by.

Dreams like dolphins leap, and dive.

A moon lantern, echoed in the curving waves.

Clouds above, and clouds below.

And I find myself stepping on to the water, and swimming, floating.

And flying.

A waterbird.

And I see, deep within the ocean places, like sunken ships, treasure, and memories.

Some untold.

And then things bubble up.

The places where I neglected to see what needed to be seen sooner.

Washed up places.

The raw bits.

The messages in bottles.                     

The Sos’s some soul sent out.

And you go through storms of life, and see all the places

You wish you could fix, and heal.

And find out, mostly, all you can do is be with those things.

Offer them space of your you.

And you look at things you wish you cared for better, and you feel humbled.

You see the hidden fleas, the leaky washers, of life, and the headaches that test you.

And you learn, how much you can be with yourself in all the ups, and downs of life. 

How to listen to those parts of yourself that have gone unheard.

The parts of life that you must listen to, those without words.

To have compassion on them.

And you learn to fly in front, for a moment, or float in front. And the humility of being able to fly in front for bit, is that you know, very much, that soon, someone else will be the one flying in front, and you’ll be the one being helped.

And so, this is the humility of life. And wisdom.

That there is beauty in all parts of life. Especially the hard bits.

To weep over things you wish you could have seen sooner. To forgive your own neglect.

To look at all the places you have been afraid to look at, and thank God that he stepped onto your boat. 

Kept it through all kinds of weather.

To forgive the piled up messy bits of life, the heaped up dishes.

The garbage’s that flood. All the things you try to do, but have to pray your way through. 

To give everything you have away, and hope that someday, somehow, it’s enough. Even though you feel so very inadequate.

Yes, finding beauty in the parts of life that are ugliest, is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever do. To see the suffering and still call it grace. To see your own places where you can’t fix, and lay down all you have, and grope in the humility of your own decay.

And to see all the things in your life that you cannot fix.

To see all the things in need of healing, and mending, and try to be as present, and as compassionate as you can be with life, and yourself, and the selfs around you.

And sit with the sorrow of all the broken pieces.

And know some days, you can do all those hard things.

And some days, you have to be with the hard things.

To see all our strengths and weaknesses like seasons.

Summers, and springs, and Autumn, and winters.

And all of us seasons, and climates going on at different times.

All weathering it out together.

Learning of our own seasons, and times.

And letting it all be.

As we be with our own weather.

  And you see.

Broken piece, by broken piece.

That the beauty lies in our humanity. In our humility. In the places where you are not as strong---someone else is.

And perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

So we all walk each other home, together.

And let the decay take away what is not yours, anyway.

Let it point you, where God is directing.

We all can take turns being the helped, and the helper.

The known, and the knower.

The seen, and the see-er.

The forgiven, and the one forgiving.

Taking turns.

As God plays hide and seek.

And we find the divine hidden between the folds in all the fabrics of life. In all the textures, and in all the flavors.

And in those dusty places in your life you least expected the God to be hiding in.

The broken bits of life.

And these vivid moments where you be present.

With it all.

You see the beauty that comes from all the broken things. And when you zoom out, you are amazed at the threads connecting us all.

Mending things in ways that only Spirit can do. 

Amazed, at how spirit works, and sews, and weaves.

Helping us heal each other.

And if your are lucky, you can laugh, and cry, and remember, the beauty in it all. 

And how the story weaves us all together at all the right times.

And everything happens perfectly.

Beautifully. 

I have seen it, time and time again.

Beautiful souls placed on my path.

Gifts of love.

Life has never felt more more intense, and vivid, and real, and raw, and oh so very much heart.

And so much beauty.

So much I didn't see, magic happening all the time.

Souls interconnected.

Grace always flying in front, in the middle, and behind. 

Showing me views, that words fall short, to describe.

So many to love. So much to feel.

And here we all are. 

And I am thankful.

That we are still here.

And it's all a bit funny. All a bit weird.

All a bit something.

And you find, even in the weepable chapters, lies a vivid, present hereness, where God was with you the entire time.

And those experiencing it with you, see too, the threads weaving this story together.

And that is a beautiful gift.

To see.

And to say, I felt spirit walking on my water.

Calming my waves. 

And how beautiful it is to feel loved.

To know what it is.

And to feel God's presence encircling you.

Loving you.

Healing you.

Healing your life, in ways you might not know, or understand yet.

 

 

Beatuiful song.

 

Open Up The Heavens

 

King top mountain

 

I rolled my ankle yesterday, Saturday, afternoon,  as I was making my way to the truck, carrying a water bottle. Our play director was doing a rock concert at the old Capital arts festival in Fillmore. It hurt so badly, and popped. I wasn't sure if I was going anywhere. We took an hour and iced it, and then my Aunt came over to visit. She wanted a haircut, but saw I had a hurt ankle, but I had her get on the beanbag, where I was, and Bess was my eyes, and helped me see where to trim.

A couple family members were very buzzy, and vibrating in dark news, because there was some big hullabaloo just down my street, going on at that time. I guess a bank robber was in the area, there was a helicopter, the squat team. (that's what Ameila says her friend calls it) 

Seems appropriate. And pretty scary. Naughty. Call the squat team. 

Everybody, poop!

Anywho, my ankle is a bit sore, and such things are always a heads up for me to be present. 

We did end up going to the art festival, just to get a breather away from the house for a bit. Plus we wanted to support our friends, and look at the art there.

  I'm just grateful I can still walk. :)

I was uploading pictures in the wee hours, in my tent, and realized my videos might be noisy. So I went to bed. And woke up in a start Because Bessie started talking above me. "Hey, are you in here?"

I was jerked  awake, and a felt bit disoriented. But said, "Yah."

"Oh, okay, I was just making sure. You're here, and okay.  I had a scary dream, and then I woke up to a car alarm making noise."

Everybody is a bit jumpy, as there has been naughty humans about. 

She was feeling a little scared. So we both went in. Hence, I'm back on my computer. Maybe I'll finish this post, yet. 

So, for our Nevada adventure. Bessie, Ameila and I went first thing in the morning driving to a Ghost town, called Osceola.  We had fun visiting about many subjects. 

The first part of our trip. Very dry.

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This was our first stop. This is where we headed out onto a rugged dirt road to our destination. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Funny little Bus/bug parked in a camping spot.

Ameila is a very skilled off-road driver, and did a great job driving through some rough roads. On the way, Bess had been looking at all the pinecones in the trees. She saw some ripe pine nuts on a tree, and yelled, "Stop, those pinenuts are ripe!"

So we tree got out, and started reaching for pinecones. Bess handed Ameila a pine nut, and she popped it into her mouth. And crunched down, shell and all. 

Bess yelled, "Stop."

Ameila hadn't ever eaten a unshelled pinenut before, so we all laughed. She sputtered, and felt embarressed, as she spat it out.  

We hadn't really thought about how sticky our hands would get, but we picked some, and put them into a bag. And realized our hands were really, pinegummy. And very uncomfy. So we rubbed our hands with dirt, and then Bess had brought some comfry cream, and we rubbed the oil on our hands, and then washed with some water. We did this several times, and eventaully got very clean hands. 

Then off we went again, looking for Osceola. We went round several places that looped back to the same place. And then Ameila took a road that eventaully got so rough, she turned back round. 

We conculded that we'd maybe go somewhere else, since we couldn't seem to figure out where this old mining town was. We couldn't figure out the maps.

Bess checking out a interesting little hole cave.

Bess and Ameila

The clouds started rolling in, and they made everything have so much contrast. 

 

 We stopped next in a cute artsy town, which name, I can't seem to recal. But we stopped in this little shop, and a guy showed us a map, which we still didn't quite understand. But we appreciated the art in the shop, and then walked a round some of the magical buildings in town. 

 

Next we started on the road that led home. I wasn't really sure if we were going to try to go anwyere else, as Ameila was the one who was driving, and we were curious where she would go next. 

I'm not sure if she even knew. She was just driving. 

On the way back, we saw this cool twister.

Then about forty miles from home, Ameila takes a side road, curious where it goes, and we find ourself in a King top canyon.

Then Ameila just takes another road, leading towards this white salt flat area, where the mountain is tall, and beautiful. And it felt like were going into a different realm. The area felt very sacred, and holy, like were getting a glimpse of heaven.

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 It was so beautiful. It felt like we were walking into another dimension. It felt old---ancient. I guess all mountains are ancient. But it just felt very special. There was snowflake obsidian, and jasper that looked like glittery bits of ice, all over the ground.  It seemed a place Indians would have done ceremonies. Or prayed. At least it felt that way. The rocks and boulders were huge, and fun to climb on. Lizards and little blooming flowers and funny rocks were around every corner. As I started hiking, my head started aching, And I could feel a ton of presser on my head. It was very curious. And so very hot. Bess and Ameila were exploring below, and I wanted to go up, to take pictures of the crevasse of the mountain.

While we were hiking, thunder started rumbling. It sounded really cool through the canyon. 

There was a lot of sandy dirt, and I got the urge to take off my shoes. But I kept them on, thinking I might step on something pokey. 

Bess told me she got the same urge and took her shoes off.

We were in different locations, but either way, about that same time, a huge burst of rain fell down, and cooled us off. It was beautiful. It had felt so hot, and my head felt so pressured, it felt like the rain just was what we needed. 

A bit of a covering. 

Grace. Rain. Bess took cover under a lip of a rock. I was a little further up of the mountain. I hadn't made it very far. But I didn't want to get my camera wet, so I started coming down, and had to give up my goal of getting to close to the crevasse. The water drenched us through. It felt amazing!  It was beautiful, though because the rocks shone with water as the sun came out, and everything felt much better. 

It was just really magical. We all congregated on the salt flats, or whatever they were, the white flats, and took our shoes off, and ate some yummy peta sandwiches mom had made for us. Talking about how fun it would be to camp here.

 

And that was pretty much our trip. We had to leave shortly after that, so Ameila could get a phone call from her husband. 

But that was not the end of our adventures that day.   We got home, and mom was in a low mood, so to cheer her up, so we took her out on a drive to see the sunflower path we walk on to go to the canal. 

Bess got an idea to take her out to eat, so we drove to a restaurant we hadn't ever been to.  And ordered some food. We noticed there were games in by the window, so we took several out, and chose one that was called, if I can remember right. 

Taco, 

cat, 

Goat, 

Cheese, 

Pizza. 

And while we waited for food. We played that game. And it was a lot wait. Long...But it was quite a fun game. So it worked. 

We took mom, and our food, and us to the rez, and jumped in just as the sun was setting. It was very, very cold.

But it felt so good, as my head had been so hot and achy. It felt so very cleaning to the soul. And we were happy. 

It was a very full day. And so very interesting. And beautiful.