Summer's gifts

 Hello,

 

Happy forth. Though it's the fifth.

 Fireworks have been crackling, and popping.  

My head, too, has been feeling under pressure. The night before last, I had an ice pack on my neck. I must have laid on it funny because it exploded icy cold all over my pillows and clothes. 

I made strawberry moon cake---it looked very pretty, I took several pictures, and when it came time for me to bring it out, It slid off the plate, and onto me. I tried to catch it. And it caked me. Iced me. Frosted me.

It was the perfect icing-movie, moment. I’ve never been covered so much in my own white-icing, and cake. It was so spectacular I started laughing, and created white a stir in house.  

Since it is July, and fireworks go off.

I suppose things exploding is expected. 

Old ways, and new ways collide. 

Emotions. 

Heat. 

Frosting. 

Declarations of independance are made.  

Founders found things. 

Battles cease.  

And new ways of thinking are brought to light.

 It's been so hot, I figure I better water all my gardens. On the ground, on land, or sea, or air.

        All new plants with developing root systems need some water when it's this hot.

Here it's been so scorching hot, that my upstairs writing has to be according to the weather. I come, and write some, then stop when I start sweating too much.

 I have always like writing in my upstairs room, but if this heat continues, I may have to be more clever, and move my computer somewhere else. 

But right now, my head feels a little less pressure. And my upstairs room is cooler, because the irrigation ditch has water in it today. The wind is blowing off it, and sending me a gift of cool air, so I feel like I can linger longer.

Though I can feel the heat amping itself up even as I write, yet everybody's everything feels amplified too.

            It feels as if there is no middle ground, anywhere to be found.

            Old, and new energies seem to be running analogous to one another, each feeling the tug of the other, thinking the other's existence is threatening them.

            Light and darkness seem to be pushing and shoving.

            And people hand me and my sister things they've gathered.

            And sometimes it's nice.

            Sometimes not so nice.

Either way, I keep asking God to take it all, and make something delicious out of all the ingredients that show up, spicy, salty, sour, sweet, till every flavor has a place.

            Though, if I could, I'd build myself a tree house, and live in it right now. But it would totally have an air conditioner, and better insulation than my room.

            It would be really nice.

            It would be a very loved tree house.

            I'd paint, and write, bird-watch, sleep, and eat, and watch all things, above, and below. And maybe, maybe, I'd come out, like a owl, after everyone's gone to sleep, to wiggle.          

          But only if I wanted to.

            Though, I do like the sun, so I'd have to be an owl that likes daytime too.

            Maybe, a Nowel. Whenever the energetic temperatures feel in alignment to my soul, then I come, and if not, then I go.

        Though I do also like the ground, so I guess I pretty much have both things, already.

  

      My room is a tree house of sorts, and my garden has been wonderful. I have a sunflower bower I planted, and with the added gift of the red-velvet sunflowers from my friend, they are starting to bloom, and look beautiful. It feels like a secret garden to me. I like to go there, and feel myself, and the ground, and then sit on the roof of the chicken coup, and sample all the herbs, and pick weeds, and feed them to the chickens.

   I was able to spot a gopher while I was sitting on a roof. He didn't know I saw him. He poked his head up out of the ground, and sniffed the leaves of my beets.

        The little stinker.

        I tried flooding him out.

        I tried trapping him in a live mousetrap. 

        He just filled the trap with dirt, and dug another hole.

        It didn't work.

        So I've stopped waging war for now. I have no idea why he's there, as he has the entire alfalfa field to be in.

        But, as all things have two sides, I realize the tunnel he dug made it possible for me to get water in my garden when my ditch I dug didn't work. When we had water on the alfalfa field, his tunnel created a channel for me to get water. It bubbled up and was quite the gift.

        So I guess, I'll accept the gift, so long as he doesn't eat the roots of my plants.

        Who knew? The gift of the gofer was his holes.

        So God bless the gopher. And all the gophers in the world. And all the holes we have no idea why they are there.

        There is wisdom in holes.

        I hope I have the wisdom to see that, always.

        God bless me with wisdom to know how to discern when to let holes to be dug, and when to fill them up, when to evict, and when to stand still, and went to move, and when to write, and when to cease from writing. When to speak, and to be silent. When to allow, and when to not allow. When to give gifts, and when to receive them. When to flow, and to cease from flowing.

        When to let myself be moved, and when to let myself be the mover.

        When to watch, and when to be the one watched.

        Which makes me think of last Saturday, when I was in my garden, picking weeds when I heard a whirring buzzing sound above me.

        I looked up, thinking it was a bee. No. It was not a bee. It a drone, just flying above me, and my garden.

        "Hello, little drone," I thought. "I'm just pulling weeds to feed the stinky Billy goat that keeps causing chaos."

     

   Strange.

        Either way, we both saw each other, and both resumed doing whatever it was that we were doing.

        Me on the ground.

        It in the sky.

        I hope it saw a bigger picture than just me in my morning bun hair, and lots of weeds. I hope it saw the sunflower path, and my beautiful green growing things.

        Maybe this is me, being a drone to see my own garden.

        Me writing, zooming out, like a bee, looking from higher ground what I've been so close up to.

        Me trying to follow own compass, to move to what feels like heart, to what feels like truth, apart from any other voice that calls.

        Me looking at it all, and harvesting my own growth.   

        Close up, If I was to look at this past June until now, I'd say it's been a little tough. It has been heated, and a testing of my own roots. It's like the moment you declare something to yourself, some truth, you have to die to your old version, and upgrade.

        Old masks that no longer work.

        Stephanie 4.0 trying to get up and running, and that's hard on people if they are used to you being a certain way.

        It's hard on yourself.

        This is me zooming out, though, I know everything that happens in life, is just as simple, and beautiful as that gofer hole.

      

  Along with this hot energy, there's has also this beautiful crystal energy that keeps shining out and resounding in nature, and people, and synchronicities, and gifts, and beautiful messages

        God keeps telling me, he's got this. Just stop trying to be in places that aren't natural and don't feel right.

        Step back.

        Let him work.

        Let some holes be dug.

        Let some be filled.

        Let some things live, and some things die.

        Just flap your wings, and I'll catch you.

        One particular day, the 29th, I was out with my sister, going to the dentist, because my crown I got last year keeps popping off.

        It's been a bugger.

        It was only on seven days, before it popped off again. To make a long story short, it's been months and I have been chewing only on one side. And finally I was able to get in to the dentist, and he said my wisdom tooth crowded it out, (yes I still have my wisdom teeth) anyhow he has to make me a completely new crown. 

I was worried, because it's been a costly tooth stump.

But he said, he would make it without any extra cost.

  Though it won't be made, and put on until the end 22d of August, unless they have a cancellation.

         Either way, I was so glad, and I felt blessed. 

         The dentist gave me some grace. Thank you!

        Then after my appointment, my sister and I stopped by Ace where they sometimes put old pallets for anyone to take. I popped out of the truck, and asked the lady if we could have that pile of pallets. She said yes, and Bess and I started loading the pallets. We both didn't have gloves, and I was wearing a very white, nice shirt. We both decided this was such a good harvest of wood, we'd get them anyway, though it might cost us some slivers, and also my shirt wouldn't be as white when we were done.

        It wasn't a moment afterwards, when a man just appeared behind us on a little tractor.

        "How many pallets do you want?"

        "All of them, if that's okay."

        "Okay." He nodded, and zoomed up on a little loader thingy, and slipped the entire tower of pallets on this tractor, and plopped them into our truck bed.

        Plop.

        Wow.

        We were both awestruck. It would have taken us an hour or so to get them into the truck, and a lot of work.

        We both thanked him, and I told him to tell his boss to give him a raise.

        He smiled, and said. "I'm the boss," and zoomed off.

        We sat there, dumfounded.

    That was unexpected, and beautiful. 

        Both of us were very grateful. Bess was nearly out of all her wood, and didn't know where she'd get any more.

        And then here God was, showing up, giving us wood.

        We both agreed that God was showing off that day, because we had both been pretty worried about where to get more wood, and how my crown was going to get put back on.

        A crown.

        And some wood.

        And so much grace.

        That was just one moment. One day. There have been so many beautiful things, sometimes I forget to look at, and say thank you for.

        Random people showing up with things that match what is needed. People to fill in places my old me used to think was my job to fill.

        I realized that me stepping back, and not filling every hole, sometimes is exactly the right thing.

        It's tricky, and I pray for wisdom to know what is mine to navigate, mine to handle, and fix, and love, and what is not. What is someone else's gift to learn, and grow from.

 

Last month we were gifted with the experience of getting to milk my neighbors mini cow.

     Our neighbor knows we milk goats, and asked us to fill in milking her mini cow a couple times, while she was on vacation. We were both grateful to have each other to milk the cow with. It brought back memories of my 12 year old self, who milked a cow to get a dog. It made me appreciate both the cow, and our goats, for they both have prose and cons. 

And those rose pictures at the beginning of this post are actually of some random person's rose patch we stopped by on our way back from milking the cow. It was so beautiful. I used my camera's excellent zoom to sneak some pictures.

       Anyhow, milking the the cow together soothed me in a way, because I realized that even though my sister and I aren't doing the play together, we are playing together all the time, always something to do together, and play at, and get beautiful pictures from.

        I like to think we are stretching our circle, and trying to honor all aspects of ourselves, to allow more alignment for both of us.

        At least, I like to think that.

        And knowing this helps me better let go of things that may not be mine. To better be in the right place, at the right time, even step back when someone wants help, sometimes is wisdom, so that someone else can fill in, in a way that is more in alignment. And seeing this, I realize that perhaps, all the world needs for it to change, is one person, or two persons dancing to God's music, stepping in and stepping out, and shaw-shaw-ing, and weaving to a will that aligns all wills.

        Maybe that's all that's needed for everyone.

        Though it's tricky, because my sister, and I can sense desire, and so it's very easy to give people what they want.

        But maybe not what they need.      

My sister popped her head in my room this morning, and we both had some ah-ah moments.

        We realized that anything good we own is because it was given to us, not because we earned, or bought it. The good things in our lives, the most valuable things we had kept, were gifts, gifts of Grace.

        I told her I'd been thinking a lot about this.

        We then had a fun exchange where we began exchanging gifts. I gave her back a beautiful smokey quarts crystal---something she gave to me when we were kids, that she really loved, and she gave me a owl feather she'd found, and a lapis lazuli elephant.

        And we kept doing this.  Exchanging things. Gifts.

        And it seemed right.

        Realizing that perhaps, everything now, needs to go to its back proper place.

Today is a magic day.

        A moon day.

        Perhaps when we try to get love, or earn it, in any form, it's not in truth, because love is the truth of who we are.

        It is our fabric.

        So when we step into the will of the world that says we have to earn ourselves, we preach a lie, so whatever we get gets taken, because it didn't come to you in a state of Grace.

        And that is the only state that lasts.

        Gods economy. Something with lasting value.

        He doesn't want us to think we are the stuff we get, or accumulate, or struggle for.

        Perhaps we are born into karmic family's where it's harder to feel love our love reflected back, because we are of a different soul dna, so we try to earn it in unnatural ways. 

        Not knowing that anything real is inherited by divine right, from parent to child.

        So it seems that anything we have to earn will go, because maybe it wasn't inherently ours.

        Maybe until we give away these things we cling to, can God give us his greatest gifts.

        So much of our lives have been spent in obtaining things that don't feel natural to us, because we aren't in a state of grace we struggle to get objects, and security, and jobs, and love.

        If we have to earn it.

        It must not be ours.

        If it comes.

        Or if it goes.

        It is in God's hands.

        You can't earn love, if love is who you are.

        You can't steal it either.

        You can't inherit anyone's heaven but your own.

        So perhaps we are all so hungry, and full of desire, because we haven't settled into our being, our own essence, haven't found our oil, lit our own lamps.

        Burned away that which isn't real.

        Followed our own light.

        So we know if it stays, or comes back, or lights your way, it's yours.

        And if not, it's someone else's. But you won't know its yours, until you've given it away.

        So if we give our lives to God, and everything back to the source, there is no thief that can steal, because what is yours is something that doesn't come, and doesn't go.

        It just is.

        Even the holes.

        And maybe that's what we are---holes in Gods garments, he fills with love, if we stop trying to fill them ourselves.