Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Lead and Inspire!

HA, I did! I tried out for Tuacahn, with my sis. Felt pretty proud of myself. Tuachan puts on some pretty prestigious plays. So, we thought we aught to give it a try. Spent a lot of time learning a song, backwards and forwards, till all my family got sick of me singing it. *Smiles/sruggs*

I sang it in the bathroom, in shower, whilst cleaning, folding laundry, doing animals, and even when I was sleep, I could still feel the song rolling around in my head, bumping around in my skull, making it hard for me to sleep.

When I make up my mind to do something, better watch out. :)

Then when the day for auditions rolled around, we got to BYU campus and froze! It was so cold. I am a firm hater of cold. Heat you can escape from. You can't sweat cold away. I was wearing a thin little skirt, and dance shoes, no socks and a really thin jacket. Why was I dressed such? Vanity to be exact. Yes. I know that's a bad reason. Vanity does have it's prices. Like frostbite. In the end, yes, I had to chop off a couple toes, and fingers. But I still looked fabulous. Brrrrr. The building we were supposed to try out in was clear at the very end of campus. By the time I got there I was an iceberg.

Once there, there was long row of people, with little number tags on their fronts. I would like to say in all honesty that I wasn't nervous. Sure. I've put on music programs for pretty big audiences. But this was a little different. Okay, a lot different. I had this weird thought to run and hide in a restroom until it was all over. Yeah, I know that's very chicken of me. We all are like chicken's from time to time.

I felt very much like the little girl I had watched at the swimming pool, who had gotten up the courage to go off the high dive. However, when the girl reached the edge of the diving board, she stood there, with quaking knees, peering out over the edge, frightened to death. Her mother who was watching from the kiddy pool called out to her, "you can do it! Go on, jump. Here, I'll count, one, two, three, JUMP!" However the little girl scooted back on her hands and knees and went back down to her mother.

I'll admit, it was very funny to watch. Very entertaining. You could see that the girl really wanted to jump. But she was terrified.

Still her mother encourage her. So the little girl went bravely back up onto the diving board, and peered over the edge at the water far below her.
"I'm scared," the little girl said. "Mom, count to nine, and then I'll jump."
Her mother counted to nine. Still she did not jump. Then her mother counted to three. Then her sister started calling out to her to jump.

When watching her, I was silently calling out for her to jump too. But still she lingered on the edge of the board, knees bent, wide eyed and fearful. She stood on the edge of the diving board, on brink of jumping, for almost an hour. You could tell she wanted to do it, but something was holding her back. That something was fear. After a long time of deliberation, the girl scooted back, and went back to her mother. Her mother was frustrated. So she and jumped off the diving board a couple of times so the girl could see that it was possible.
But try as she might to have the courage to do it, she didn't jump.
Fear held her back.

I felt very much like that little girl many times in my life. Fear holds a lot of us back from things we could be accomplishing. The unknown is frighting. But it is only when we do the thing we fear, is fear vanquished.

So, instead of running away from the door, when my number was called for auditions. I put held my breath, and dove through the door. *Splasha*

Inside, the room was huge, with mirrors on the sides. At the far end of the room as about a dozen or more men, (all looked about the same age) sitting on this long, never ending table, which looked even longer, because of the mirrors surrounding the room. I concluded with all the extra reflections, and such, that there were over a hundred people in the room. The men all sat behind laptop computers, resembling a long row of dark headstones, looking smug, and very austere. *I seriously thought about slamming their computers shut and shouting, *Boo!* Especially if I thought it would make them laugh or smile or just do something.

Instead of doing any of that, I went very meekly up to the piano player, and he asked me if there was a piece of the music I wanted him to play that would best show off my voice. I was taken off guard, and told him, just to start at the beginning of the song. I was told to stand at this little tape mark, far from the long row of men. I felt very uncomfortable. I was sure that standing before a firing squad, with something over my eyes, would have been far more enjoyable. At least they would have asked me if I had any last request, or something I wanted to say before I was filled with led.

The men all kind of looked bored, and gave me this look that said, "Okay, girl. I'm really bored. I've been sitting here all day listening to people sing. Just hurry and get it over with cuz, I want to go eat my supper."

The piano started to play, and I started singing. The room seemed so big, and my voice felt small. I sang louder. The piano player was amazing, and paused for me when I forgot to come in. (Inward thoughts, Oh my gosh! I think they hate me! Why did I choose this song? Gosh, they look bored. Grr. I need to sing louder. Why in the heck are they staring at their computers? Do I really sound that bad?
I kept on singing, and then just after the climax, which was the best part, those who had been looking at their computers finally looked up and acted like they were really listening. Maybe even enjoying the song? Then just as I was about go on with the rest of the song, they told me that was good, and to stop.
I think they could see my face go, first red, then blue, then purple. Flustered, I wished that I could dissolve right there on the floor in a pile of fairy dust. I went to go get my music from the piano player, and one of the men asked me a little bit about myself and chatted with me. And another guy told me good job. I wondered if he really meant it. I felt a little bit better after that. But still I shot out of that room as soon as I could, and ripped off the little sticker, number 409, I think it was, and went for the drinking fountain, glad to be out of the hot seat.
I DID IT! Good job Stephanie. Yep. Think I'll pat myself on the back.
Doesn't mean I did a perfect job. But I did it. I gave myself a long speech afterward about how I could have done this or that better. But all self talk aside. The important thing is that, both me and my sister, did something way out of our comfort zone and vanquished our fears. My sis and I have both sung for hundreds of people, but we both agreed, that that particular experience was much more frightening than singing in a room filled with a thousand people. Seriously. There's something very austere about men, all in suits, sitting behind computers, in a large room, in which you must stand apart, to be looked at and heard from all angles.
It's very nerve wracking! I read something somewhere about how fear of getting in front of people stems from our primeval ancestors. Which, when they were hungry, would single one of their kind out, so they could eat them. Yeah. Funny. I know.

So, if you're afraid of being eaten when you sing, speak, or do anything in the public eye. Don't worry. I promise they aren't thinking of barbecuing you. And if they are, well, then I guess you better run. :)

Thus ends my ramblings for today. Word of advice for those who wish to do something, but don't dare. Just do it. It doesn't matter if you get the prize. What matters is that you tried.

"So throw away the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade in your sails. Explore, Dream Discover." --Mark Twain.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Good on you for overcoming your fears. It's actually very liberating isn't it? And you deserve that pat on the back!


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