I milk goats. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because my family loves to drink the milk. Maybe it's because I'm crazy. Perhaps you also milk a goat. *Cheers!* I feel for you. But for those of you who haven't, let me enlighten you an the joys of milking a goat. Oh, and can you believe it. I have a goat reading this post over my shoulder, and she's agreed to give me some pointers for this post. (oh goody)
First, goats goatonalities are very weird. Their eyes are horizontal as a sign of no heartbeat, I presume.
"Baaa," I interject! The above information is not true. You're dissing on me and every other goat on the planet."
Sorry. But the truth hurts.
"My horns do too!"
Ouch! Be nice.
"Too late."
Yeah, I kinda figured that out.
"So are you going to go on with his analysis of my kind, or what?"
Yeah, but easy on the horns, or I'll write something really nasty about you.
"Go ahead. I'm a perfect lamb."
I wish.
"I'm waiting."
Oh, alright. Where was I?
"You were going to tell our audience about the most important thing to goats."
Ha. That's obvious. But, for those of you who don't know, the number one thing that matters most in a goats life is---can you guess? IS FOOD, FOOD. Food! Correct?
"Well...I am a little hungry."
And the second most important thing is, drum roll please---yes, you've guessed it. More food.
"I'm still hungry!"
The third most important thing to a goat is getting to that food no matter what obstacle is in the way, even if it means plowing over helpless persons that may stand in their way.
"Are you referring to the time that I ran you over because you were holding a grain bucket. That wasn't so bad. I mean you only had a couple broken ribs. That wasn't a big deal, was it?"
No comment.
"HUH?"
Do you want to finish this or not?
"Sure, but..."
Okay, the forth most important thing to a goat is making sure that they are the only creature in the desired radius of their food pile. If you happen to near their food pile, watch out!
"Aint that the truth!"
Fifth most important thing to a goat, is making new ways to escape their abode so that they can cover the world and eat everything in sight like NANOBUGS.
"Nanobugs?"
Yes, nanobugs. Goats are the real live nanobugs (with horns) and much scarier.
"Wow. I'm flattered."
Sixth, once discovering the weakness in their abode, goats will take great pains to make the hole bigger. When that hole is repaired, they will work very hard to make new portals in which to escape, so that whatever the evil people do to fix their exit ways, their puny efforts will never be enough to keep them from getting to their food.
"Hah. I'm glad you don't know about the portal I just made the other day. You'll never find out. PSST, don't tell her, but we goats really have wings. Flying over fences is much easier.
The Seventh most important thing to a goat is to create a world where people are ruled by goats. So much so that humans lives are dominated by their existence. Their aim is to make every waking thought of the humans to be for them. They do this by morphing horned heads into small spaces, and then pretending that they are stuck, and starving, so that the humans will have to rescue them over and over again. Even during milking time they struggle to accomplish their evil designs. They make the ritual milking hour expand into hours by being impossible to catch. They kick, and put hooves in the milk. They poop on the milk stand. Kick whenever humans wear anything different. They make sure to run away whenever they want you. They never come to be milked unless it is known that the humans have previously put corn in feeder. They make all sorts of strange, howling noises, and bleating, all day and all night so that the humans will know that they are here, always here!
"Yes, I am. I'm glad you finally noticed me. Your hair tastes weird---like shampoo."
Thanks! I love bald patches on my scalp. Please refrain from chewing on what little hair I have left!
"Gosh, I thought you look good that way. Funny, I just noticed your wordy description of our evil designs. Taking over the world---that makes us sound pretty bold. And looky here, we get a whole blog post about us. It may be that we will be able to accomplish that goal."
I wasn't meaning to encourage you.
"Goats need no encouragement. WE live where none dare live. WE eat what none dare eat. We climb to heights where none dare climb. The world my hate us, the bible may talk bad of us. But we will still be here, after the fire, rain, flood, lightening, and earthquakes. We will still be here. You cannot ignore us."
Oh yeah? Well, I sure am.
"Hah, that's good because I just ate a piece of your manuscript."
Signed,
bAAaaaad. Goats.
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