A knowing

 Dear blog,

Sometimes I wish so much to know how to say things, rightly. How to be able to say the truth, without making a separate self.

Because the moment we start to tell stories, you see the polarities. A partial truth seems real at one level of seeing. Then, at a deeper level, you see that we are all one, so who am I writing about?

What is it that I am writing about? What is to to be seen. Can one be really angry at oneself? And why?

 For if you know the truth of oneness. And everything that is happening. How to say truth, in such a way that it keeps always the truth of the oneness there.

That said. It has been an interesting few days, inbetween the last post, and now.

Bess and I and Ameila went on an adventure. We didn't find the place we were going to go, but we found another beautiful place, we hadn't planned on finding. It felt like a holy mountain. It felt like a temple.  And I shall try to write about it in the next post.

But for now, I am trying to digest some hard things.

There was a really big energy bubble, and a very angry energy found its way to me. It was so strong, that it caused me to feel such a great pain, and sorrow, and my heart wasn't sure how to understand why, and how to feel my way back to myself.

It was very difficult, and I'm still feeling a little afraid, afraid of unfolding. Afraid because how does one defend oneself from irrational anger that carries with it an energy of violence, even without any action.

When it's such a strong energy, it feels very isolating. One wants to run, hide. Retaliate. Defend oneself.

And then one wonders why it came to you in the first place? And how does one dwell in truth, when anger is such an strong energy, that seems so big, and like it wants to make you cower?

For if one retaliates in words, or actions. It feels as if you are making a solid not me, and a solid self that needs defending.

When it truth, the self, the real self is never in need of defense.

So how, I wonder when one finds the energy of anger aimed at them, how, to diffuse it? Properly?  How to accept it. Allow it. And to be so clear that it only stays for a moment, shows you a seeing, and then leaves. 

The hardest thing about it, is that when one sees the person that embodies that energy, my own body contracts in fear.

And if one has to be near that person. How does one love oneself, in another, and feel expansive and open hearted?

How to see properly the truth beyond all the huge feelings.

For these are the things I've been pondering. Seeing that the whole world has been very much consumed in wars, and violence, and greed, and hatred.  And much of the time a clear vessel is what it uses to channel the energy into.

Children, and animals, and innocent bystanders.

How to see clearly, and to keep sacred and holy ground of your heart?
To know when to step away, and when to walk through Hell with an open heart.

These things are my questions.

To trust God so much, that you leave all judgment up to a higher power.
That you let the still small voice inside everyone speak the truth to them. As that is the only way they can hear it.

The allowing energy of the cross. Beautiful. And sorrowful at the same time.
I was feeling so very contracted, that I was having a hard time feeling myself. My own ambient hum, of love.

Bessie was kind and listened, and understood, and it made me feel like my heart had someplace to shine. And I feel it helped keep my heart open.

To know that The Christ energy, spirit power, never dies, and always resurrects, that love always rises, even in the most difficult places.


And I realized, that perhaps I may never get to speak much of my truth, nor say how much pain anger has caused the heart, and the body of God. For when someone wields it, they have been taken over by something.

And the only thing I know, is to give away forgiveness. And to keep my heart open, without witholding my own highest truth I know, that we are not any of the ugly things that we do.

Or say.

No.

And I know too, that unconsciousness, is a state we have all held. That we have all given anger in some way, away, without realizing what we have done.

And still God has loved us anyway.

And anger, in the alchemicle pot of love, is only energy. And if seen with the eye of one-ness, you are only forgiving yourself. 

And giving forth love, back to yourself, in a different body. 

And all the energy is Gods. 

In the truth of love, and the indwelling of oness, anger cannot exist, greed has no hold, desire is an impossibility,  and fear an illusion.

And so, I openly state, that these lesser energies, that seek to divide the self from itself, are not my Gods. Nor do they have a place in my temple.

And I evict them. And ask God that these strong energies, be diffused by a greater seeing. And the energy of cutting, and dividing, is changed back into its to it's original oneness.
And used only for healing a broken world. 

I suppose, anger deserves great compassion, and a vast spacious energy to hold it until it knows who it is beyond its fury. 

That it is, in fact, very sad it has forgotten itself, and is seeking someone to know who it really is, better. 

It is seeking forgiveness to diffuse it and change it back. 

It is seeking an alchemist it change it back into its pure form. 
I know who I am.
I am love.

So are you.
My heart turns everything back into Gold.
And nothing can change my knowing.