Reprise

Dear blog,

I am sitting here listening to the loud pipes in my house flowing out water to the yard. 

It's so hot outside!!! 

But clouds are building, so maybe we will get rain. 

There has been many things happening. Lots of in and outs, and up's and downs. This is going to be a long post.

 This post is going to be full of random tidbits. Because this month as been full of so much, I’m not sure how to condense it all. Plus there are tidbits I wanted to write before, and weren’t sure how to incorporate them all. So this my attempt at sharing the bits I think are worth keeping in my memory.

On the13^th Bess and I were asked to take music to the bird center.

A place for seniors to eat a couple times a month and listen to local artist perform.

A lady heard us sing for the Blue notes concert, and asked us to sing, since she liked it so much. I guess we were taking the place of the Doug (the guy who does our plays and musicals) as he was on vacation.

Bess and I gathered our music together, and Bess did a lot of the figuring out of things. We learned a Irish song, “The Rattlin bog” they day before performance. We had watched this video, a while a go, and wanted to learn it after we heard it. 

Bess came while I was working at the Airbnb, and sat on the couch singing it to me, so I could memorize it along with her. Which I very much appreciated, because sometimes I get so focused on what it is I’m doing, she helps me to be more present, and have fun with life.

It is a really fun song, and if you’ve ever heard the song, “the hole in the bottom of the sea. It’s very much like that song.

We learned it enough, the day of the performance, we had fun teaching some of it to the audience.

It was a Father’s day meal, and celebration. Also a happy Birthday sign was up to celebrate the June birthdays. My dad was there, and he was happy to have us sing for him and his friends.

We brought mics and our amp. But a mouse had chewed through one of our cords, so it stopped working.

So we moved really close to the tables, and it was quite nice. As they had a little mic we used that instead. We were very much with the audience, instead of far away, which they did like, and appreciate.

We sang songs they knew, like “Oh give me a home, and You are my sunshine. And we passed out instruments, and had them play along with us.

Overall, it was a small crowd, but very nice. Everyone was happy to participate, and their faces seemed to come alive for a moment. And that was very satisfying.

I brought my little koto, and though I didn’t play anything on it, I let whoever wanted to try it, to strum the strings. One man knew what it was, and said that when he was in the navy, he had gone to Japan, and had a girlfriend who played the koto.

He was missing a finger, so he didn’t really want to strum it. But was kind, and very attentive. I was impressed that he knew what it was.

Bess also let people try her violin, and some people were curious to try the singing bowls. As we had sung O Danny boy to the singing bowl.

There was a funny man, who was always cracking jokes---the president of the Bird center. He was very attentive, and kind. He got up and made a speech about how he and another lady had had a baby the previous week. I had thought him serious, but I guess they both are in charge of the center, and were involved in buying a new buss, and a commercial dishwasher for the center. And he was very happy, as he said they had waited along time for both these items, and he said he felt like he was a father watching his two children be born, seeing their heads crown as they came out.

He was quite a hoot, and made Bessie and I both laugh.

The president was very appreciative, and kind, and wanted to pay us something. I think he got $45.00 of his own monies, and paid us because he enjoyed it so much. He said, I thought I was going to be going to another boring meal, and it wasn’t. It really made us feel loved, and valued that he’d want to do that.  

That day my sister, was also getting her Dog fixed, as she did not want to have to worry about Honey having more puppies. The unusual bit was we ran into someone---who I think was someone who bought Tux, one of our puppies several months ago. We weren’t sure if the lady remembered us. But I think the puppy did, because it looked very happy to see us, and his mom. We didn’t say anything. But we were pretty sure that was tux.

In other news.

There have been a lot of people coming and going at the airbnb. Who would think this little town has such comings and goings. And I keep telling myself, that It’s God’s air bnb, and that’s who I’m cleaning for, and so I’m just cleaning God’s Airbnb for a time. But sometimes I have a hard time being present while I’m cleaning, especially if I’m under a time limit. I try to listen to my gurus, or music while I clean to keep me centered. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I forget, and sometimes I remember.

Though sometimes I’m not sure how much I like cleaning, because ever since I was a kid, it seems cleaning things was what was required of me. So it’s something I’m good at because our family has so much stuff, and so many kids, and people, and dishes. So when you do something so much, you do get good at it.

Sometimes especially when it's a big mess, it can be wearisome. What I like about cleaning the airbnb, is there isn't much stuff to organize. It's very simple, and tidy. And it feels cleaner when I'm done, than at my own house, which is always needing to be cleaned, though it is very, very lived in, and loved.  

Other times I find it very satisfying. Beautifying a room. Making it feel spacious, and safe, and warm, like a soul is living there. Making something beautiful that might have not been seen before.

The best part about it, is that I’ve been bringing flowers into the house, and arranging bouquets. That gives me a lot of pleasure.

Flowers, arranging them.

Leaving notes on the bed for people to find. My mom makes quilled cards, and lets me write in them.

One time, I was cleaning a room, and I noticed a jar of perfume. With an unusual name. I took note of it. And then later, when the guest left. They left the perfume, like they saw that I was curious about it.

Because they left it, it ended up in my possession. And I don’t usually like non-organic smells. Essential oils are mostly my favorite smell. Also, they are much more healthy. Though, I quite like this smell. And though I think it is a man musk. It smells good.

And there has been a wee mouse, invading the house. Which caused some drama. As it was eating things it shouldn't.

With a little effort, and wisdom, it was caught under the bed of one of the guests---making quite a racket. I caught it in one of my green traps.

So hopefully the now all the non-paying guests are now evicted. 

I took him home to feed him to my dogs. Though he was such a cute fellow, I felt bad.

But I guess grace was in its favor. Because I dumped him out. And the dogs just let him zip by them. Then right afterward a mini twister floated over my head, and a little ways off. It was very peculiar. 

Another odd thing about working there. Is the previous owner of the house, used to have a husband who had been in a wheelchair most of his life. She was a kind lady, who was always sewing, always giving. She loved giving and buying things, and her motto and favorite church hymn was, “Because I have been given much, I too must give.” The odd bit was, one week, I had been working there a lot, and giving it a lot of my attention, when one night, I got a friend request, and a message, from the women who was the previous owner of the house. The message said. “Hi how are you doing?”

This was on facebook. I clicked on the picture of the lady, and it had a close up of her eyes. And I was confused, and showed my mom and sister. That lady had passed away a couple years ago.

I think her account had been hacked. But I thought it was very interesting, and a bit on the twilight-zone side. That of all people that would message me. It was her---well at least some sort of replica.

Either way, I thought about answering the message like this. “Hi, Sandy. I’m doing just fine. I just got though cleaning your house. And I hope your happy to know, your yard is very much on the mend. The grass looks green. Well most of it. And some flowers are blooming. I hope you are well. And know, your house is like a little nest, with birds staying for a while, and then flying away. It is a house, that flows with people going in and out. And I’m keeping watch over it.”

In other news.

My brother Stan came down with his kids the other day, I had to clean the Airbnb, and there was just a lot of things going on that day, so much so when I hit the pillow, I fell asleep, like a log, and didn’t move.

I usually get up, and go outside to my tent, because the house is too stale. But I thought my soft bed was wonderful, and it was so nice to rest.

This Thursday I was in the middle of koto lessons, visiting with my koto teacher, learning a new song I’m excited about. My teacher told me about a song she had written a couple years ago. Called rainbow. Or Niji in Japanese. It can mean rainbow or two o clock. I had to look it up afterward, and thought was quite lovely. A fun song to listen to. And as I have been very much looking for the rainbows of life, they seem to find me, when I need them in some way.

My sister surprised me the other day, when she cleaned her room, and put a mirror by her window, and then set sun catchers all over. So every morning as the sun rises, her room lights up with rainbows.

Then, Doug---our play director made a video (somewhere over the rainbow) A month ago, I believe a few days after the our Blue notes concert, he sang and played his guitar, and he compiled all his rainbow pictures.

Then the lady I work for, says to me out of the blue, her granddaughter is in the rainbow stage, where everything she wears has to be rainbows.  

And also, a rainbow that happened right after our blue notes concert, was, the women who were in charge of the meal, set up tables covered in rainbow colored tablecloths. And it was so curious to walk into that room, and see this rainbow pattern there.

While were cleaning up decorations the stage, a few days after the performance blue notes concert. A big group of high school kids, were all on the stage, singing Beetles songs. We paused as we were taking down the pillars behind them, and sat in the audience to watch them sing, "Blackbird singing in the dead of night."

What was significant about this, was that same day, one of Bessie’s violin students had said that she’d like our concert, but wished we had sang beetles songs.

So what do you know. The high school kids, were all doing just that.

All these little things just makes me smile, when I see, or hear them. Little bits of light, and color. Like God saying the storm is over, and the light is shining, and grace of rain has made the earth soft enough that colors, and light shine out gifts for us all to see.

Gifts.

Blackbirds singing.

Like the other day, when I got home from cleaning at the air bnb. My sister said she had a surprise for me.

Surprised I wondered.

I was confused.

And she held up a ten dollar bill.

She said. My student paid me this.

And I nodded.

And then she held up a 100 dollar bill.

And she said, her student paid you this.

Whoot? ME?

I was confused. Why?

Bess smiled, and said, that her student had wanted to pay me for the foot massage I had given her last week.

And wanted to know if I would give her another one soon. Bessie said it was so beautiful the way her student had come, and been so full of love, and joy, and had waited patiently for me to come back so she could give me this gift.

But because I was slow. Bessie gave it to me instead. Bessie said she wished I could have seen how full of love her student was, just beaming it out. Just so full of love, so full of God. She said, it was so beautiful the way in which she gave it, it was so good. And something she always wants to remember.

It really warmed my heart, and soul. Such unplanned beautiful gifts are nourishing to me. It feels like some seeds of love that got planted found good ground.

And I thank God for those gifts of love. Also I’m sure her mother had something to do with it. And I know her mother was sending of love as well. The previous week I had massaged her mothers sore shoulder. And she wanted to know how to repay me. And I told her to pay it forward to someone else.

And she did.

Another beautiful thing happened, as well.

Yesterday, after play practice, I was feeling tired. It was very hot, and we had been singing outside. For some reason I was having very difficult time focusing, there. And just felt overwhelmed by everyone’s vibes.   Then when we got home, who shows up than my neighbor beekeeper friend, who is a very kind soul, who has had many, many children, and works very hard. Bessie and I had wanted to give her something, and had given her a massage the previous week. I’d massaged her feet, and Bessie massaged her back. And she was so appreciative. And also wanted to give us something in return. And brought some bee’s wax, and comfrey leaves for us to make a healing massage oil during the week.

And here she came again, with peas she’d grown, and some beet greens, and several essential oils, so we can continue to give massages. I gave her a hug. And I felt her beaming out so much love. It was so soft, and kind. It warmed my heart.

I find these beautiful souls so wonderful. So refreshing. Such fertile ground for love. It’s so nourishing to feel love bloom almost as soon as you plant a little seed, and this love just grows, and gives, and nourishes so many. And I thank God to be able to see some of the fruits of it.

Another rainbow for me, was on my birthday, my friend who is the church choir director showed up, and brought grapes, and tomatoes, and blueberries, and a couple of her kids, and just a beautiful kind heart to wish me well.

I gave her some cake, and thanked her. And then she sent me a lovely message later that week, which really warmed my heart.

Her daughter mentioned to me before they left, she just had a birthday, and she got a rainbow volley ball. That same day, our neighbor friend came over and we had a beautiful time at the canal swimming, and talking, and sharing a moment. And I could feel my heart voom and unfold. And it felt so good to have an open heart, vooming in love with Bessie and her.  

When I got home, my little sister had come with her son, and he had caught a catfish, and wanted to cook it and share it with me.

Her son was so excited, and he loves fish so very much. He watched me eat a couple pieces of the catfish they had cooked, with such satisfaction. I hugged him, and told him thank you. And I could feel his little heart say thank you in return.

So anywhow.

Rainbows.

Gifts.

It might be just because I’m noticing them that they appear more. Like driving a white car, you notice all the other white cars.

Still, it’s something that feels like God working in the background, like a language of love that I see, and gives me hope.

Here’s the song, “Rainbow” my koto teacher wrote.  

She noted that she wrote this song long before rainbows were associated with other things. I told her, I understood, and rainbows are beautiful pure things, that come from water, and light and I love them.

Something that happened while I was in the middle of koto lessons was, my brother Nate knocked on the door, and told me that my mom’s brother had killed himself. And the neighbor’s found him. It was not the best of times to tell me so. But I think it was because he was so very upset.

My brother and him had been pretty close. My Mom’s brother missed his wife a lot, and was old, and declining in years, and he had gotten rid of his guns, so he wouldn’t do what he had just done.

So I felt very bad for my brother, and my mom.

I wasn’t really close to him, but last year he started visiting us, and Bess and I sang for him, and made him supper and tried our best to be good to him.

When he was younger he was a para-glider, and loved flying so very much. He had a lot of flying stories, and had some accidents where he had broken every bone in his body. So now in his older years, and his wife passing, he’s been very lonely.

So in his passing, my mom has been on the phone a lot, arranging things. Writing memories of him. She and her brother weren’t very close, but I do feel that they were both trying to be friends towards the end. And it is quite a shock to hear that someone has ended their own life. And so very, very sad.

The problem with the way that he went, though, is it causes those you leave behind to feel quite sad. As we are all one. And it makes us all wonder what we could have done to keep him here a bit longer.

Also, I was very vague in my last post, about my mom’s choking accident. It was so upsetting to me, I didn’t want to write a charged post, until I felt more calm. So, to make a long story short, she had been having some heart problems, and we had been feeding her various potions.

Cyanne pepper had been helping her, so I’d been putting it in everything. Cookies, and drinks, etc.

One day, I guess while I was trying to nap, I heard her cough. She had gone to the fridge, and taken some herb my sister Rochelle had made, for the heart, it had a bit of Rum in it or something alcoholic, and it was very, very sweet---I think it was a hawthorn berry drink.  It surprised my mom, and it caused her to inhale wrong, and it got it into her lungs, and made it so she couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what she had eaten, when I heard her cough, from my room, she has this residual cough, so it took several coughs before I decided I better check on her.

When I found her, she was doubled over, hardly able to keep upright on her canes, and gasping for air. I thought she was choking, so I went to give her the Heimlich. But she protested and managed to gasp out a few words. It was terrifying. I was so scared. I was ready to call an ambulance, but she protested. Bess and Nate heard me calling out, and they stood by, and we all tried to help steady my mom, and finally got her calmed down, so she was able to breathe. Having to be very present in a very painful moment, was a lot. As all we could do, was be with my mom. And just so shortly after having to be so very present with my sisters pain. 

 She was coughing for many hours after. It really---really scared me. It was an overwhelming sorrow I felt. I think it was one of the most helpless moments I’ve felt, in a long time. And I’m so grateful that she is okay. Phew.

It made me realize how very close we all are to life, and death. And being, and not being.

And how every breath is a gift.

The interesting thing is, I think my mom’s heart is doing better, now.

So maybe all the coughing fixed it. Somehow.

In other news, I really wanted to get our lawnmower working.

This was a very strong desire.

As our yard was looking so very bedraggled, like nobody cared about it.

We had a non working lawnmower---a discarded one we found, one I thought we might could get working. It sat in our backyard for maybe a year or two.

My brother said it only needed a few tweaks. I had been using the hand mower for many years, four I think…and I liked a lot.

But for tall weeds, and long alfalfa, and fluffy tall edges…

Something with a motor was very needed at this time.

Anywho. We had some really tall weeds, and the hand mower isn’t as sharp as it used to be. And the sticker weeks have been getting very abundant. It’s not fun to pick sticker weeds out of shoes, and fur, and other things.

I asked my my brother Nate if he would fix it, and he said that if I gave him a haircut, he would fixed the lawnmower. His hair and beard were getting very super shaggy. So I said yes.

It seems everyone has dubbed me the family barber.

I don’t know why. It just happened to be so.

Trimming my dad's nose hairs, and ear hairs, and all sorts of hairs.

I don’t even think I’m that great at trimming hair. You get really up close with people, trimming hair. Sometimes it's a big ask.

It took Nate only maybe ten or 15mins to get the lawn mower working.

And when I cut my brothers hair, it looked so much better.

As did the yard, when I trimmed it.

And I was so happy to chop some of those weeds down that have been so muchy in our yard. Nice to be able to walk with socks on again.

It got really windy that day, I had ear muffs on, and it got windy, windy, and I nearly got everything trimmed before the wind got really strong---70mph. It was very gusty, and covered the yard in a truckload of sticks.

So many, which was really rude, because it covered the lawn yet again.

It was a job getting them all raked up. Bess helped me, which was very nice.

It’s been so strange, it feels like life has these huge crests, and troughs.

These beautiful pauses.

And then accelerations.

And some total moments of exhaustion.

I never gave an update about my sister, her jaw, and tooth.

Partially because life has seemed so muchy, I don’t want to add to the muchyness.So much family stuff. And trying to be a steady human, sometimes is hard.

The day we went to the dentist, our puppy Shiloh who hasn’t found a home yet, big puppy now, found a little baby bird by the barn. I think he was about to eat it, but I scooped it up.

It was so naked and cute, ugly, fluffy. So helpless. I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I wanted to plop it back where it had fallen from. But I didn’t know if I could get it where it had come from. And I was in a hurry. So I made a little nest for it in the house, and got ready to go.

My mom was also needing some dental work done, but her heart was really bothering her that day, and she wasn’t feeling well.

So Bess and I made the trip, and I also took the baby bird with me.

Tiny baby bird.

Fuzzy cute thing.

And held it almost all day, trying to keep it warm, and feeding it some dog food.

We waited in the dentists office a about an hour, and talked to the nurse, whose name was Mary, I think. And she was quite a beautiful soul. So that was nice.

All in all, the dentist told Bess that he thought her tooth’s root was detached and had been damaged too much. Thought it needed a root canal, and crown.

It hadn’t been very many weeks since the incident, the tooth was very sore, and still loose. Bess asked if we could wait to see if the root healed. He said yes. So instead she got some other dental work done. It was an alright trip. Though quite intense. Because neither of us have been to the city in…I’m not sure how many years. So the traffic, and just going to the Smiths in Springville seemed a big event. It seemed everyone felt very isolated, and lonely. And Bessie burst into tears at the store, and was very emotional.

I bought some flowers to take home, and some herb plants to take home. It was interesting, because Bess and I both noted that perhaps why it has been hard being with a lot of people, is because we can sense and feel them, at level that is a bit overwhelming.

To feel the anxiety of the drivers behind you.

Is very much a real thing, though it sounds a bit far out.

The little baby bird was my happy thought, the whole time, and kept me entertained.

Though when we got home, I put him in an insulated cooler with hot water bottles. I guess, not hot enough, because it was cold in the morning, and didn’t make it.

It made me cry. I had gotten attached to the little bugger. One day.

One day. Taking care of it. The little fluffy chicken nugget.

Bess hasn’t been eating very many solid things because of her tooth, but she bought some cool stuff called Dentite and she says it’s made it so she can sort of bite down, and thinks she is gaining feeling in that tooth.

I sure hope so. But she always tries to be optimistic, and cheerful even when things look grim. 

Healing is an interesting thing. And many doctors don't seem to believe that the body has the ability to heal itself.

I feel that the medical industry is very much in need of a balance energy. A more caring, compassionate, feminine energy, that is more holistic, and intuitive, and knowing. A kind of knowing that goes beyond science. The kind that believes in the divine energy within the body that, if given the right ingredients, and love, and seeing, can heal itself.    

I do feel this is sorely needed. And a more gentle, soft care that looks at people as souls, not just bodies. Where herbs, and plants, and healing sounds, and healing spaces, would be the framework for something much better than what exists today.

A platform where people didn’t have to be so afraid of getting insurance, and going into debt just to have someone look at their hurt. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if healing was a gift we gave to each other, the more we paused, and mended as best we could our own hurts, and those around us, so we could look at, and be with in each other and help the world heal, as well.

Where the therapists, and doctors, and nurses, and gurus, teachers, and spiritual oracles, and those taught, were all learning, and healing one another.

That would be really beautiful. Where things were all connected.

So that when you healed one part in another, you yourself were healed as well.

I do believe there is wisdom in this. And truth.

And the only place to start is within yourself.

  

I wrote this poem at the beginning of this month. The other day, my little sister who is a school teacher, and divorced, and tired of the city, has moved to a camper at my dads farm for the summer months. Her and her son really wanted me to see the horses they just bought. And she bought four wild horses that came from the desert, to raise and tame, and resell. They are all beautiful. Two are pregnant. My sister and I haven't always seen each other clearly. And though things have been very intense. And I'm trying to be a better sister, and daughter, and see everyone the way they deserve. She also bought two mini goats, one of which had two babies just a day ago. And some chickens. I am happy to see them enjoying the country. 

My sister bought her son a tiny wheelbarrow he'd wanted for so long

While we were visiting  the horses. The sky lit up with the most intense sunset. This reflects a little how I feel on the inside. And in memory of my uncles passing, I share this poem, and these beautiful sunset pictures.

 

 

Sunset Reprise

 

I look.

And I wonder…

The tide of my life, ebbs and flows. Rises, and lows.

The sunsets glow, so beautiful.

Something to be with, a treasure a now.

And one cannot hold it, nor ask it to stay longer than a moment.

No longer than a moment, can I ask you to stay.

No longer than a moment.

I can’t hold wings from flying away.

No longer than a moment…

When I see the real inside of you and me.

And if the moment fades.

And darkness takes its place.

I’ll hold that red sunset, the golden hues, the silver lining, where I saw the real, me and you.

Before the sun went down, before the world dawned its gray gown.

I saw the truth, a flickering spark.

I saw God.

Inside my own heart.

And I felt my own good.

I saw you.

And so as life changes, and flows.

And light and dark dance, and the wind does blow.

I’ll keep in a jar, the memory I had.

Of the golden light, a moment, where our hearts were glad.

I’ll gather in all the truth.

And I’ll weave a golden thread, out of all the bits of light I have found.

And turn them into a golden sound.

That someday, someone will hear, and know.

A song, a sunset, a silhouette, a paradise, a space, holy ground.

I’ll keep the memory bright of what is most real.

The goodness of love.

The golden hue that can heal.

The laughter, the truth, the flow and the youth.

The moments where the heart was soft, and sharing and kind.

The moment we looked, and we saw how beautiful God is, all the time.

And if the darkness covers your eyes.

I’ll sing who you are with my heart, my sunset my reprise.