Heart song

Tonight was the musical performance of the Messiah.

Last week we had one performance as well, in Fillmore.

I was worried because last week it felt like the mind was in control. I think it was just because of what I had going on in myself. So that's what I felt. Either way. It was a hot, and very amplified energy. I couldn’t feel myself, and I couldn’t feel those in the audience, nor anyone else.

It felt very egoic. Like an amplification of only mind. More than I had ever felt before. It was so unpleasant, I felt my heart contract to such a degree I was worried I was not going to recover.

There was a lady who fell down some steps afterwards, and couldn’t get up. Her father, wasn’t sure what to do, and because she was walking in front of me. Fortunately, I had a newish wheelchair that was in the back of my car that my sister and I had just got for my mom, as a surprise, as she sometimes likes to go walking, and gets tired, so we wheel her around.

Anyway it was interesting, because we had it in our car. And then we wheeled her out.

Her dad asked me to drive her home in the dark. I was a little unsure of myself, as I get a little scared of driving in general. But I did, and while I was driving the car, I asked her son what his name was.

I can only remember the meaning of the name because his mom told me, it was Celtic, for God’s warrior.

                That was the most memorable bit.  I thought I needed some of that God’s warrior energy, for these last couple of weeks for sure.

                But the most terrifying thing about it was that I felt stuck in my mind. I felt my heart was struggling to feel itself. It was so intense, so vivid. I think I got a look into what it must be to feel cut off from yourself, without heart.

                You feel surrounded by people, but not connected to hearts.

                It gave me perspective. And I suddenly realized what it must feel like if to many mind--fear based choices are made. How it cuts you off from yourself, and the only lifeline you have is grace.

                It made me feel great compassion for any of the people in my life whom I had judged as being unfeeling. For perhaps they had not a prayer of ever feeling their hearts in such a state, or anyone else.

                Hence, the great beauty of sending out goodness as much as you can, to whomever you can, even if they don’t deserve it.

                I realized, that perhaps, the only lifeline some have in feeling connected to God, is through falling down, and bringing people to the now through accidents.

                So tonight, I was concerned, because I very much wanted to feel the music. I wanted to feel connected to my heart. I wanted to stay in my heart. I wanted to feel connected to my sister, and to the choir, and to the audience, and to the soloist.

                My sister and I had figured we needed to print out sheets with the list of songs, and the page numbers because we didn’t have a traditional program for everyone to took at. This year the program was some code on a cell phone, where you scan it and see the program.

                The choir people usually have a paper to look off of so we know what song in the book to flip to next.

                Before we went to our concert, we made a sheet to share, and when we got there, it I made a conscious effort to connecting with those whom I handed programs to.

                Seeing everyone’s faces as myself.

                Looking and realizing that everyone is me, helped me very much. And it brought me into my heart space. It felt grounding, and good. To have this seeing beforehand.

                In-between last week, and now I developed a dry cough. So tonight I realized that as my throat was dry, and my lungs wheezy, and cough drops were my friend, that whatever sound came from my lips would have to have an ample amount of grace applied.  

         The funny thing about Handel’s Messiah, is the music is very beautiful, but it is very complex, and requires the soloist to do vocal gymnastics as they sing their oratorios. It can be very profound, and very beautiful.

                But over the years, it has brought out egos. A lot of comparisons arise.

                The voice which should connect us to the heart, sometimes takes us to separateness, instead of unison.

                My sister has always done solos in it, since she was 12. She’s always sounded like an angel, she has always been dubbed the angel bit, where the shepherds were abiding in the field.

                I’ve been in the choir all these years, and have seen many soloist. Heard them. And its weird how being in front of an audience can bring out some odd stuff in your psyche---fear, and tightness and separateness.

                As the soloist got up, I realized, as they sang, and I watched, that perhaps my voice may not every be as grand, nor perfect. And my volume may always just be a bit on the quiet side. But maybe, my role was to support through my heart, those who sang, as my own voice.

                To cheer them on as if they were myself, to dissolve comparisons, and just listen, and appreciate, their sound as my own. High notes, and low notes, and notes that rang in the rafters.

                Sounds.

                Vibrations.

                Voice. Connecting us for a moment        

                I kept this in my heart, and I could feel myself, and I could feel my sister, and I could feel the choir, and audience, and the words, and I felt though my voice may not have added much, that my heart was happy.

                My sister was singing, and smiling, that in turn, reminded me to sing and smile, as well, and to feel the words.

And when I was in that space, it felt like, though our choir was few in numbers, compared to some choirs, I could feel spirit amplifying the third thing.

                And I realized, perhaps my roll all along was a supporting character in this grand play.

                To hand out papers, and smile, and a hug.

                To see the obscure souls who needed seeing.

                To appreciate. And in that appreciation, it magnified, each person from our separateness, into a space where for a moment we were all together, singing the words of sacred text, bringing the kingdom of heaven a little closer to each of our hearts.

                Following a trail of notes, and a song, and director who, when at practice, she’d talk about the meaning behind what we were singing, and gave her testimony of conviction of Christ’s saving power.

                And so, as we sang the hallelujah chorus, and everyone stood up, I felt as if we for a moment felt the truth of those words.

                Where the king can come and reign in each of our hearts.

                And afterwards, the general feeling was one of connectedness.

                And something that stands out, in particular is an older gentleman, who we stopped to talk to in the parking lot. He said that he and some other friends had started this music society for Handel’s messiah long, long ago in our area.

                What as so unique about this gentleman, was I felt his heart almost instantly.

                I don’t usually feel heart energy coming from people, right off, especially men.

                It surprised me.

                We stood for a long while in the parking lot, and he told us his stories.

                The entire time I could feel heart chi coming from him. It was so strong, I just stood there listening to him befuddled, because it was just this ambient kind-heart I could feel. It wasn't anything he was saying.

                Either way.

                When we were done talking we moved to go, and he waved goodbye, and said I love you guys.

                And when he said those words, I felt he actually meant it, in the most kind way.

               And I'm very grateful for that gift. A stranger beaming us both love. I felt like Grace sent us that. 

            And so much love during some hard weeks. 

            Thank you.

                 My sister and I both agreed, that this handle’s Messiah was our favorite so far, after all these years. Not so much because of what went right or wrong.

                But because we felt that we were both more in our hearts. We felt more connected to everyone there. We felt as if we were seeing everyone as friends, and that felt very good.

                It felt as if we were all together for a moment, singing, amplifying a truth together, that transcends mind when singing with the heart.

                Both more present. And it felt good.