Balance

I don’t know what to write tonight. Only that I feel strange.

Confused.

I feel as if I’ve been gifted with a seeing that I can’t ever unsee.

One that was terrifying.

To feel what it feels like to be cut off, and then brought back.

To know what it feels like to feel heaven, and hell.

Grace, and unity. To know the heights of love, only to feel the heat of falling.

To shed yet another layer, and feel forgiveness, and humility.

To go from one end, to the other.

To see.

And to know that the only power worth having is heart.

The divine network of God’s holy power, connecting us to the totality of everyone.

The only place worth staying is heart.

The only truth worth having is heart.

To know you can’t push anything away, for it will swing back, ten-fold.

In my life I've felt so connected to everyone, I could feel my family's pain as my own until I was led around by everyone, trying to fix their pain until I lost myself, could not feel my soul.

Then when things fell apart, and I started going inward, did I start feeling myself, my soul self. 

It felt so delicious. 

Here was when I started realizing how to love my soul.

Here, I did not feel as connected to the pain of others, nor the problems I used to be led around by.

Yet…

In this I feel the paradox.

For now going far out into my own inner state, I pushed some things away so much, that now I see there has to be a balance, of heaven and earth.

That now, I feel as if I see things I didn’t see.

Now, I feel there must be some sort of new knowing now.

Where I see that knowing one’s soul can only be useful, if you bring that knowing into the outer world.

One cannot be a messenger for the divine, if they keep all the messages to themselves. 

If everyone is yourself, then you are only truly free, if we are free together.

If you cannot see that once grace is given, it must be given away.

And so until we are all restored to that knowing.

Until my hand doesn’t feel as if it is serving my other hand, will there be true service.

Until your pain, is also mine, in a way that I know that in easing it, I am easing only my own.

Until I see that your fear, is also mine, will I know how to be present with it, from the knowing space of my own heart.

Until I know how to bridge the gap within and without, and balance inner and outer, will I know heaven and earth in their totality.

Until I stop pushing away one, or the other, until I allow both and give both my attention, will I see everyone as myself, as my mother, as my brother, as my sister, my father, as my beloved.

Until I know that the only place of sovereignty is being able to feel connected to the divine heart, and bring that pulse to heartbeat of humanity, will I know true and lasting, power, the kind that sees everyone and feels everyone as myself.

Until I no longer want to be special, until I don’t want to control anyone, but to see, and love, and allow the isness of life.

Until I give up my own ego’s will, will I know God’s will.

Until I see that being able to love, from a place that requires no one to change, no one to be different than they are.

Will I know what love really is.

Until I can make choices from an open heart will I know my soul’s natural fearless nature.

Until I can be present within, and without, until I can take my inner knowing, and bring it into the out world, will there be balance.

Until I can see God in everyone I see, will I be able to stop being afraid.

Until I can embrace everything that comes, with an open heart, can I fully embrace myself.